Why I’m not breastfeeding (and feeling awesome about it)

A week ago, I gave birth to my daughter Sonnet.

When I was pregnant, I made the decision to avoid breastfeeding entirely and exclusively feed my baby formula milk from Day 1.

Like, not “let’s try breastfeeding and switch to formula if it doesn’t work”, but “I’m not going to produce a single drop of breast milk, thank you very much”.

I was very adamant about it, and thankfully my husband and family members are supportive. Right after I gave birth, my child was fed Similac from a bottle, and I took some breast milk suppressant. It was so effective that my breasts have not experienced any engorgement or leaking or pain. It was as if my breasts never got pregnant.

I now think not breastfeeding is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Many people have asked me why I made that decision.

During pregnancy, I chatted with many women friends who gave birth recently. To my surprise, many mentioned that a big source of their postpartum stress comes from breastfeeding. They would have been much happier if they didn’t breastfeed, but chose it anyway because it was considered better for the child. Many said breastfeeding was even more painful than childbirth, which was shocking to me. I heard horror stories of sleepless nights, painful engorgement, sore nipples, guilt over not having enough breast milk, infections, leaking in public, being restricted in diet and movement… I’m in a number of chat groups for new moms, and any day it seems like 80% of the discussion is about breastfeeding difficulties. There are a million ways it could go wrong.

I also read the “feeding” section of all my parenting books and checked out the research. It’s true that breastfeeding might have more health benefits for the baby, and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends at least giving it a try.

But I believe everyone needs to conduct their own cost-benefit analysis. After obtaining all the information I could, I decided that the costs of breastfeeding would far outweigh the benefits in my particular situation.

I had a very smooth and low-risk pregnancy, and gave birth to a very healthy baby.

Sure, with breast milk maybe I can boost my baby’s immune system a little bit more, but is it worth the cost to me? Countless hours spent on feeding, not sleeping whole nights for months, stress and tears, not having as much freedom to travel, struggling with pumping and leaking when I go back to work…

Also, it’s not like formula is bad for the baby. Today’s formula comes with all the nutrients a child needs to grow healthily, and I have seen many of my friends’ kids who were fed exclusively on formula – they are thriving; some look even healthier than breastfed babies. Many of my smartest friends were formula babies themselves. My baby will be fine. I’m not short-changing her.

Another benefit of not breastfeeding is that it gets my husband involved in child rearing from the moment she was born. He was the one who fed her the first bottle of milk in her life, and continues to be the primary feeder (along with my mom) when I’m in postpartum recovery.

By default, men are often left out from child rearing because of the biological fact that they don’t birth the baby and can’t breastfeed. Having him bottle feed the baby is a wonderful way to correct for that, and creates lots of father-baby bonding time.

I also believe that being in a good mental health state is key to doing anything successfully, including motherhood. The transition to motherhood is already difficult enough, so I want to consciously make choices that maximize my happiness. Some say that not breastfeeding means missing out on bonding, but I think I’ll have plenty of other ways to bond with my baby without her having to suck my breast every day. When I’m happier, I transmit that positive energy to my baby. Happy mom, happy child.

The bottom line is, I wanna be easy on myself. Pregnancy and childbirth are already hard enough (as of now I’m still quite immobilized from third degree tearing, and still cry every day from postpartum blues) – I don’t need to make it harder by choosing something that I know will produce more stress and pain.

Some people might consider this selfish. They associate motherhood with sacrifice, as if pain is a testament to the amount of love they have towards their baby. I don’t buy this. Growing up in China, I’ve seen many parents in the previous generation sacrifice everything for their children – only to then turn that into a license to impose unrealistic expectations that suffocate the child. The child ends up resentful and rebellious, relationships sour, and everybody suffers. I believe that preserving my selfhood and caring for my own mental health are key to being a good parent. Being a mom does not obliterate my previous identity; it expands it. This will then allow me to have a healthier relationship with my child.

My decision to not breastfeed is a reflection of my deeper philosophy about motherhood. I’m an ambitious woman with high career aspirations but also wants a fulfilling family life. Many people speak of “balancing work and family”, as if it’s a scale.

But I’m convinced that the key to “doing it all” is not about “balance”. It’s about “shameless outsourcing”.

It’s not about better time management techniques or life hacks. It’s not about trying to do more in less hours. You don’t “do it all” – you do less. You choose what’s important and worth your time, and outsource the rest.

In her book “Year of Yes”, Shonda Rhimes (a single mother with three daughters and a highly successful TV career) writes:

“Powerful famous women don’t say out loud that they have help at home, that they have nannies, housekeepers, chefs, assistants, stylists—whatever it is they have to keep their worlds spinning—they don’t say out loud that they have these people at home doing these jobs because they are ashamed. Or maybe a more precise way to say it is that these women have been shamed.”

She wrote about spending hours every morning during high school to make her hair look like Whitney Houston’s – only to realize later on that Whitney was wearing a wig. Similarly, the facade of perfect mothers create unrealistic expectations and unwarranted guilt. “Now I knew: I had not failed,” she wrote. “I just didn’t own the wig.”

I think the key is to not just outsource, but also be shameless about it, be proud of it. I refuse to be judged by other people’s standards of a “good mom”, because everybody’s circumstances and perceptions about motherhood is different and sometimes we just need to respectfully disagree.

If you want to stay at home to take care your kids full time (and have the financial resources to make it work), hats off to you. I happen to be the type that derives satisfaction from my career, and consider my time to be the most precious resource. I choose Uber X even when Uber Pool can save a few dollars, because I think my time is worth more money.

Many people say breastfeeding is free. But it’s not free, because your time is not free. Choosing to formula feed means I’m spending a few hundred to a thousand dollars each month on milk. In return I get to save several hours a day (which I can then spend on activities I actually enjoy), sleep for whole nights (because someone else can feed at night), have my husband be more involved in child rearing, and generally stay more sane amidst the craziness of early parenthood. I call this a great deal.

I recognize that I’m extremely privileged to be able to make this choice: I can afford the financial cost of formula milk, my family members are supportive, and my child doesn’t have health issues that require breast milk. Many other women may not have similar luxuries. Or they may choose to breastfeed for a variety of reasons. I totally respect that and admire women who breastfeed.

But I also want to establish not breastfeeding as a very good alternative for women who have a choice.

Women should never be shamed into breastfeeding when they don’t want to.

Husbands, parents, in-laws, hospital staff: If she doesn’t want to breastfeed, don’t try to persuade her otherwise. Don’t ask why. Don’t judge. Just respect that as a legitimate, well-informed choice.

I don’t believe that “breast is best”, because what is “best” should be each mom’s own individual judgment based on her circumstances and preferences, not some externally imposed standard that everyone should adhere to.

Even though there are bound to be people who disagree, I feel good about my decision not to breastfeed and refuse to be guilt-tripped, because I believe every woman has the right to decide what to do with their own body.